he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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