One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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