So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize