News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
