So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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