I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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