he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
