new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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