You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
