so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
