This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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