we're blogging at a bar
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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