you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
