fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize