i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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