My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
