Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
