so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
