Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
