I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
