I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
