The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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