Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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