I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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