Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
