I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
