broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize