i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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