Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
