If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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