I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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