I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
