I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
