if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
