What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I touched a dick in church today
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
