Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
