Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
