i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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