We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
