TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
