I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
