i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
