I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
