one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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