I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
