your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
