His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
