Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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