Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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