Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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