I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
