So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize