Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
