The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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