I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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